She Talks to Him
by TideFan
Summary: One shot based off the season 4 Christmas special. Mary has her moments alone to grieve and come to terms with things.


Sometimes she talks to him, when the world is quiet and she shuts her eyes she can sense him enough to unload her worries.

"Anna you can go now, thank you for your help," Mary looks in her mirror as she speaks to her lady's maid and it's almost like a secret code to them both that she wants time alone now. "Yes M'lady. I will be here early to wake you to see everyone else off that has not left," Anna smiles halfheartedly before shutting the large oak door. Usually she would have stayed to offer support but something felt different tonight.

The family had been overly busy with the events of Rose's coming out and with their rather scandalous behavior of breaking into a room to find a letter that wasn't even there. Sleep had been the last thing on her plate between handling the social aspect of her life and George and then the estate. No one else would mention it but Mary just felt tired and even thought she looked tired. Shadows loomed under her eyes as her hand swept up to brush her hair back once more. After Matthew passed she no longer wore her hair up in a braid to bed, she relished in the long tendrils falling around her should and pretending he was there to twist his large fingers through it.

Mary fluttered her eyes shut like butterfly's dancing in summer field. Warm air filled her bedroom slowly, tickling her nose and ears before her neck. "George kicked up quite a fuss today with the nanny didn't he? Wee chap loves his sailboat toys." Matthew's voice was as deep as usual but laced with a hint of mischief and love. Mary wouldn't dare open her eyes now in fear that his voice would leave, no matter how silly it seemed to her.

"Oh yes, he wouldn't stop until I picked him up and handed the toy back. He is definitely your boy Matthew. I do believe he had missed me though with all of the festivities the past few days, perhaps he knew I needed to hold him." Slowly Mary gulped as the words left her, almost a whisper to hide how insane she felt. "I don't blame him; in your arms is the best place to be." She could swear Matthew was there then, she could feel air slide along her neck and her whole body shudder. Fingers grasped the cool wood in front of her before reaching for the toy dog they exchanged so much; anything to bring her back to reality.

The tone of Matthew's voice shifted as she thought of opening her eyes finally, "It's okay that you enjoy dancing with Charles and Anthony last night. They are both wonderful chaps and there is no music better than you laughing when you are having a wonderful time." Coldness danced over Mary's body now and she knew her face would be pale as she noted how serious Matthew sounded to her. "You shouldn't be mentioning them and it would be scandalous to admit it." There, she would have the upper hand with her dead husband!

Changing the subject would be the next move as her soft hand released the plush toy dog from her grasp. "It's not okay anyway. I'm angry at you for mentioning them and for leaving me." Mary instantly felt relief that she had finally spoken the words allowed, it had taken so many months but there it was. She was angry, god how angry she was.

"Don't be angry my Darling, we go over this every time we have these moments alone together." Mary clenched her teeth now as she listened, every part of her screaming for Matthew to stop speaking to her so sweetly; she didn't want to cave in now. "You know that I loved you more than words and you also know that I knew how much you adored me. George will always know that love as well; I just need you to remember that. Every day when you doubt things and when you are hesitant to move forward just remember all of that love." Giving in, yes giving in sounded okay now; she could practically smell Matthew's cinnamon wash as the words sank in. She could imagine his lips lingering over her forehead and nose before resting on her lips.

"Still Matthew, I' angry that when I open my eyes you will be gone; you can't change that." Silence filled the small space and Mary thought that perhaps she finally broke herself from the craziness that consumed her mind. "No I can't change this but that is why I need you to relax and try not to be so hard on those poor lads. They just want your attention." "But.."Mary opened her eyes to argue back and Matthew was gone. He was never here to begin with her mind screamed but it was nice to imagine if only for a few moments.

_Yes sometimes she talks to him and sometimes it makes her smile._


End file.
